Sunday, March 27, 2011

From Hurt to Healing

It has been over a month since my last post. God has been working in my life taking me from hurt to healing. It is a slow process that has had many tears but then tender moments of joy at His feet. God doesn't desire I should be alone, He wants me to be alone for a season. Something this social butterfly is struggling with....I don't deal well with being alone....something I have learned over this past year. Yes beloved friends it has been a year since the announcement of divorce was was a shock to me when the Lord reminded me of it this morning.

I had/have such a weight of loneliness upon is almost like a smothering cloak upon my heart. I have done nothing but weep for the past 3 days. I did have company yesterday, but even though it was nice to have someone to talk to the emptiness and loneliness was still there and got increasingly large and heavier as the day went on. But this morning the Lord took me, thanks to my new Pastor, to Genesis 50:20...this is the passage where Joseph is talking to his brothers "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." God reminded me that several in my life last year said and did things to mean harm to me and my walk with Him. But God meant to use all of that for good. We are called according to Matthew 5:13 to be the salt of the earth. One thing salt does is it add flavors, but it is also used to preserve. I was put here on earth to preach the Gospel, to pray for the preservation of those around me...I am salt....a bit sharp to the taste but given so live could be given.

God then used Pastor to take us to James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Some translations have the word patience in lieu of steadfastness. Tests and trials of life are given by the Father to test our attitude. When that cloak came upon me all I could do is weep and cry out to God. I had already made plans to spend Saturday with a friend and tried to fill that emptiness in my heart with the friend...but it wasn't the right fit. So I spent last night crying out to God about this loneliness and how I don't want to be alone. God spoke to me in church this morning that He wants me alone so I will rely solely upon Him...and that is a good thing, but my flesh doesn't quite see it this way.

God wants me to be patient in the waiting, but I so desire and crave human companionship and love. I guess that is why this cloak of loneliness seems so heavy. In God's reality it is a light weight shirt of sorts, but to my flesh and it's longing it is a heavy laden blanket. I am trying to be patient, to wait for the one that God has set aside for me, but it is so lonely in the waiting. I am trying to not jump for the first one that shows me love and affection for it can very well be a false love. Am prayerful that this season won't last any longer then necessary. In the meantime, I wait. Some days I can be quite patient....other days not so. Today is a not so day.....but I wait. In the midst of the waiting and loneliness God is healing me. Showing me His hands in all that I have endured for the past year. Taking my garments of mourning and slowly converting them to garments of praise. Taking my moments of sorrow and weeping and turning them into joy. It is a hard long journey and some days I feel like I can endure anything for the love of my Lord, but other days it is weary and dreary....but still I wait a bit longer for all of this because ultimately it is for the preservation of someone else. This picture is much bigger then just me and I need to remember that in this leg of the journey.