Still around & still amazed at God

I know, I know; I haven't blogged in what seems like eternity.  Frankly, I got too busy.  Busy with just life & sadly too busy to blog.  But much to the chagrin of the enemy, I am still around & still amazed at God.  Amazed at His wonderful loving kindness, at His creative beauty in creation, still amazed He loves me when I am painfully neglectful of Him.  God is more than I ever imagined & better than I ever deserve.  I love You Father, I love You Jesus, I love You Holy Spirit....blessed Trinity I stand in awe of You.

I subscribe to & DO read "In Touch Ministries" devotionals.  Tonight's was beautiful & set my mind on my truly amazing Father....God.  It started out with Isaiah 40:12-31.....NOPE I am not going to have a spoiler alert....you MUST go read it yourself.  But I will give you a link, www.biblegateway.com where you can go & find God's living word.  The devotional that goes with the companion scripture is as follows:

"If you ask a group of people what God is like, you will receive many different answers.  Some will say He is a force somewhere in the cosmos, while others picture a benevolent grandfather type who overlooks "little sins."  Most of the time, the description given will reveal more about the speaker than about the real Jehovah.  In fact, the true God might surprise you.

As the Father reveals Himself in Scripture, one word that's never used when referring to Him is "it."  God IS (emphasis mine) a person; in every reference, He is given a name (Yahweh, Elohim, Lord) or referred to by masculine pronouns (He, Him).  He fits all the attributes of personhood -- intelligence to reason, emotions to feel, & the will to make decisions.  From Genesis to Revelation, God displays these features.

Scripture also shows God's immutability.  Let us be clear about what that means:  Neither the Lord's nature nor His character ever changes -- He is always Spirit, and His love remains constant.  We can all expect that God's principles & laws will hold true & that He will act exactly as He has promised.  While He does adjust His emotions to fit a situation; delight, anger & other feelings are nuances of His being, not new traits.

God is eternal -- He has no beginning or end.  He is the same yesterday, today & forever.  No one created Him; God simply is.  That's hard for humans to understand, but if the Lord were completely explainable, He would be like us & unworthy of worship.  If we are to honor the Father, we should know Him as He really is -- eternal & unchanging."

I was blessed & reminded by reading Isaiah 40:12-31 of WHO God is.  Reminded by this devotional of His nature & that unlike people He is eternal & will not fail.  I am reminded of my Father, of my first REAL love....Jesus.  Reminded that I just need to slow down, take my time reading my devotionals (I like to read them out loud to my poodles who I hope patiently listen), take time to be amazed by our Amazing God & reconnect with Him to get what my spirit desperately needs daily.  I encourage you....grab your Bible or go online to read God's word.  Reconnect with the Fountain of Living Water.

In Awe of His Grace

Am doing a daily devotional I picked up at Dollar General for like $5.00.....bargain!  It's "I Lift Up My Soul" by Charles Stanley......good read, great devotions.  Today's was "In Awe of His Grace".  It got me to thinking today.  The scripture reading for today was Psalm 43:3-5....go grab your Bible and look it up!  The key verse was Proverbs 14:27 "The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death".  It got me to thinking about fountains and how water is essential to life.  Deep stuff, too deep to put here for now.

One thing that jumped out the most to me was in the body of Mr. Stanley's commentary for the devotional.  "Each time a scribe would come to a passage containing the name of God, he would lay down his stylus & go wash his hands.  The scribe did not feel worthy to print God's name without cleansing & humbling himself before the Lord.  There was an aspect of godly fear in this action that seems foreign to us today.  Do you fear God for who He is? Are you aware of His awesome power & presence in your life?"  A powerful thought followed up with 2 interesting questions that got my mind to working.

Do I really fear God for who He is?  To fear isn't to shake in horror, it means to honor & revere Him for who He is......do I really fear Him?  To be honest I'd like to think so, but I have a tendency to sometimes over analyze things....especially when it is me that I am analyzing....my heart, my motives, etc.  One some levels I am in awe & reverent towards God, but sometimes like most I do slip into thinking He is just like me....dangerous ground when we do that.

Am I aware of His awesome power & presence in my life?  Yet another good question of which I have pondered and have sought to answer honestly.  Again I'd like to think so.  Most days I am very aware of His power & presence in this life I foolishly like to call my own, but some days I am so full of me I can't see or feel Him.....UGH!  When I wake up in the midst of those days I wish I could effectively kick my self in the rear!  Why do we as humans do that??  Escapes me other than we get to thinking we can conquer the world so much we forget we are but filthy rags & can't effectively accomplish squat without God's direction & guidance.  Silly human!

I had a dear friend tell me tonight that he is surprised with my knowledge of the Bible that I would not be seeking a larger "stage".  He isn't saying I am not wanted where I am, but seems to think that perhaps I could be of better use in Leadership or a bigger church.  I am quite happy where God has planted me.  I am here to get rooted again, to gain strength before He plants me elsewhere.  Would I like to be teaching full time again instead of sporadically like I do now?  Yeah, I thoroughly enjoy studying the lessons before giving them & there is always something new to learn.  Would I like to be in leadership again like I was?  Yeah, but I am wise enough to not go seeking a "title" or "position" without God initiating & arranging it for me.  I know if I "go for it" without it being God's plan, if I get out of His timing I am setting myself & anyone connected to me to fail.  Been through a church closing & don't care to go through it again anytime soon!  As much as I love my dear friend, I love God more & will continue to patiently wait for Him to position me where He chooses as best for my life & those around me.  There is much to do in the waiting & so many blessing when the waiting is over.

Reconciliation

There have been several times in my life where God has called me to go and seek forgiveness from someone who has wronged me. Logically to the human mind it is the "offender" who causes the break in a relationship that should assume the responsibility for reconciliation. But God has put the responsibility upon me and I never could quite fully understand the "why" factor.....until this morning.

I am going over my Sunday school lesson, God & Bro. Walker have asked me to do in Bro. Walker's absence. It is on the Supremacy of Christ....from Colossians 1:15-29. It was in verses 19-20 I got my "why" answer...."For it pleased the Father that in Him (Christ) all the fullness should dwell, and by Him (Christ) to reconcile all things to Himself (God), by Him (Christ), whether things on ear or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His (Christ's) cross."

All the fullness of the Father dwells in Christ and it is by that Fullness that indwelling the Father chose/chooses to reconcile sinners to Himself. It is the fullness of Christ or one could say God dwelling within me by the Holy Spirit that chooses to be reconciled with the one that offended me. God can't help Himself. He created man for relationship and He provided the Lamb to ensure that relational bond remains between Himself and man. Wow if that doesn't give one pause to ponder and a reason to worship I don't know what does. What love the Father has for us His children....He made provision for us long before we were created. Let us be continually reconciled with not only the Trinity, but with one another. Hugz & blessings.

Holy Spirit Greenhouse

Yes, I know I haven't been blogging. No excuses other then I just haven't felt much like writing. I am back for now with a bit of wisdom to share of where I have been. I had found myself in God's Holy Spirit Greenhouse. Ok before you call the looney bin on me, give me several seconds to explain. If at the end of my tale you find it fit to make the call then so be it.....just means more folks for me to witness too! :o)

I have felt so isolated and alone the past several months and it wasn't until today I got the glimpse of why the isolation. I was consoling a good friend who is in a rough dry place right now. Not unlike the one I had been myself. I made the statement to her that we are plants in God's garden. Like any garden in the natural there are bugs and elements that can damage a tender young and even a hardy older plant.

Sometimes in the natural you have to remove plants from the garden and put them in the greenhouse to nuture and heal them from the damage(s) sustained in the garden. God does the same with us. He will isolate us to heal us, to nuture us, to train us to reach out to Him and His glorious Son for all we need. Well that is what this past season was. I didn't recognize it for what it was, but I did use the time wisely I think.

God has spoken through His prophet and my friend that the cloak of loneliness is being lifted. Like we shield a plant from the frost of the fall & harshness of winter; God has shielded me from the world and those in my life....or rather from those He removed from my life. I was isolated in His greenhouse being healed, strengthened, trained, etc. Why would such a loving God do such a thing to a person?? It is BECAUSE of His love for me that He did and does. Doesn't make sense to the mind in the natural but when you sit back and ponder the meaning of the greenhouse it makes perfect sense.

God has planted me in a new garden. He has put be beside some new plants...aka new and true friends, for a season I know. He has commanded me to bloom where He has graciously planted me. Daily I lift my spirit, soul & body to the Son. I soak in all the nourishment of His glorious presence. I am but a daisy in God's garden of roses....plain and often overlooked, but such a delightful joy of simpleness in a splended garden. Be blessed!

From Hurt to Healing

It has been over a month since my last post. God has been working in my life taking me from hurt to healing. It is a slow process that has had many tears but then tender moments of joy at His feet. God doesn't desire I should be alone, He wants me to be alone for a season. Something this social butterfly is struggling with....I don't deal well with being alone....something I have learned over this past year. Yes beloved friends it has been a year since the announcement of divorce was made....it was a shock to me when the Lord reminded me of it this morning.

I had/have such a weight of loneliness upon me....it is almost like a smothering cloak upon my heart. I have done nothing but weep for the past 3 days. I did have company yesterday, but even though it was nice to have someone to talk to the emptiness and loneliness was still there and got increasingly large and heavier as the day went on. But this morning the Lord took me, thanks to my new Pastor, to Genesis 50:20...this is the passage where Joseph is talking to his brothers "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." God reminded me that several in my life last year said and did things to mean harm to me and my walk with Him. But God meant to use all of that for good. We are called according to Matthew 5:13 to be the salt of the earth. One thing salt does is it add flavors, but it is also used to preserve. I was put here on earth to preach the Gospel, to pray for the preservation of those around me...I am salt....a bit sharp to the taste but given so live could be given.

God then used Pastor to take us to James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Some translations have the word patience in lieu of steadfastness. Tests and trials of life are given by the Father to test our attitude. When that cloak came upon me all I could do is weep and cry out to God. I had already made plans to spend Saturday with a friend and tried to fill that emptiness in my heart with the friend...but it wasn't the right fit. So I spent last night crying out to God about this loneliness and how I don't want to be alone. God spoke to me in church this morning that He wants me alone so I will rely solely upon Him...and that is a good thing, but my flesh doesn't quite see it this way.

God wants me to be patient in the waiting, but I so desire and crave human companionship and love. I guess that is why this cloak of loneliness seems so heavy. In God's reality it is a light weight shirt of sorts, but to my flesh and it's longing it is a heavy laden blanket. I am trying to be patient, to wait for the one that God has set aside for me, but it is so lonely in the waiting. I am trying to not jump for the first one that shows me love and affection for it can very well be a false love. Am prayerful that this season won't last any longer then necessary. In the meantime, I wait. Some days I can be quite patient....other days not so. Today is a not so day.....but I wait. In the midst of the waiting and loneliness God is healing me. Showing me His hands in all that I have endured for the past year. Taking my garments of mourning and slowly converting them to garments of praise. Taking my moments of sorrow and weeping and turning them into joy. It is a hard long journey and some days I feel like I can endure anything for the love of my Lord, but other days it is weary and dreary....but still I wait a bit longer for all of this because ultimately it is for the preservation of someone else. This picture is much bigger then just me and I need to remember that in this leg of the journey.

Don't Pay the Ransom

Ok I know the title of this one is a bit odd, but I couldn't help thinking of my dad. When he hasn't called or written in a long time, he will usually start a phone conversation or a short note in a card with "Don't pay the ransom!" I haven't blogged in goodness gracious MONTHS! I am sure some of my blog friends are wondering is she in hiding again or did she fall off the face of the earth. Nope am ok as ok can be. Props to my Dad, if you are by the grace of God actually using a computer and reading this, I love you Pops and will call soon.

Yes, I guess I have been hiding of sorts. Hiding in the shadow of the wings of God Almighty. Sitting here getting healed up and re-commissioned to do the next leg of this journey. I am reading 2 book simultaneously right now....Loving Your Life by Victoria Osteen & A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado. I am getting the impression I may or may not have the love of my life in the natural in my life right away, but then again only God knows for sure. I believe God is calling me to embrace my life such as it is right now. I am putting my hope in His hands for a mate, but learning to be content with my 4 legged roomies for now...even if my sweet Lovie snores worse then a band saw and when they get in the bed with me I am stuck with them bogarting the covers!

I also am getting the impression that God is giving me something I have desired all my life, but not in the way I think He should give it. God is giving me the love of a lifetime....Himself rather then the earthly man I think He should give me. Isn't it interesting how we think we know better then God, but in reality we don't know jack! God is giving me something I haven't been able to give others fully....Love. I don't think I have truly loved or been loved, so this is something new and wonderful to discover about my Father, my Lord, my Beloved Bridegroom King....His awesome love.

Every where I turn it is love, love, love. The steadfast love of God that I posted on here a few months (ok an eternity) ago. I hear it being preached from the pulpit at church. Why even Valentines' Day didn't totally stink this year. Monday's are typically rather brutal at work, but it was quite the opposite....God granted me a day of bliss at work. No one negative, I seemed to have accomplished quite a bit in spite of all the work that seemed to keep piling up on my desk. When I got home there were little trinkets of His affection in my mailbox. My federal tax check came in....earlier then anticipated. My sticker for my car registration came in earlier then the BMV had said it would....I know, what do they really know huh? LOL There was a package from Day Spring...a necklace I had bought for myself for Valentines' Day, but truth be known I think Jesus picked it out. A heart inscribed with "I am my Beloved's & He is mine." Yeah just like Jesus huh? But the icing on the cake of the day was a card from Thy Word Network. A local radio station I made a donation to at least 1-1/2 to 2 years ago. Seems I was chosen by the staff as a person they were keeping in prayer for the week....now I wonder who nominated me! Like I really needed to wonder.

God opened up the windows of Heaven and blew down kisses just for me. I felt and still feel like the most blessed gal in the world. My Father loves me, just like I am sure my Pops loves me too. Isn't it wonderful to know that the ransom was paid in full on that horrible yet glorious day at Calvary. So if anyone asks....don't pay the ransom, my Jesus already did!

Are Things in Order

My birthday is vastly approaching as well as the Christmas Holiday. It has me reflecting over this past year of my life. Today I went to the First Assembly of God and Pastor Turner was preaching still from The Beginning...the book of Genesis Chapters 2 & 3...he didn't quite get as far with his sermon so it was more of Chapter 2 then 3.

He was talking about man's role in the garden. In verse 15 it says God took the man and put him in the garden to tend and keep it. Note that it was man that God put there, no mention of woman as she wasn't even created yet. God has a specific order for creation and for life. Man was put in the garden to tend (to set it in order) and to keep it (to maintain and to protect it). Man was charged with the responsibility of the garden; we find that in verse 16. We can correlate that to life today. Man was and still is charged with the responsibility to set into order, to maintain and to protect his garden....his home...his life. Now man isn't supposed to set things into order according to his own desires and demand, but according to God's will, desires and commands. Big difference there.

In verse 18 God decided that man should have a helper comparable to him. Man was incomplete without someone to complement him in fulfilling the task of filling, multiplying and taking dominion over the earth. So in verse 21-22 God did just that. He took a rib from Adam's side and created woman. She was created to come along side of Adam to help him. Not taken from Adam's head to where she ruled over Adam and not taken from Adam's foot where he ruled over her. A co-heir, a co-worker, a co-mpanion.

Verse 24 we see that they became one flesh. They were in unity of parts making a whole...working smoothly and perfectly together as one. There wasn't a battle of the sexes...there wasn't any competition.

I have been reflecting off and on of where things were out of order in my marriages and where I failed to be in "order" according to God's creation. Marriage #1 I see my ex wasn't in order according to God's word. He ruled over me and I became his servant rather then his helper the way I was created to be. It was out of balance and destined to fail. Marriage #2 I see my ex also wasn't in order according to God's word. He left all responsibility on my shoulders to do everything...and me being the self preservation/control freak I allowed it to go that way for a season too long. I had seen how things weren't in the proper order and I was trying to make course corrections but ex #2 wasn't willing to take dominion nor responsibility as he needed to.

God is showing me my place so to speak in a "godly" marriage. Right now everything is falling upon my shoulders for a season. How long it will last only God knows that answer. My task for the moment is to trust God to provide like a husband should. Yes, I am still doing the dishes, cleaning etc all by myself. But there is coming a day when God will bring me the man He has set aside for me alone. This man will rise up in Godly authority and allow me to be the helpmate I was created to be. I will be submissive and surrender all authority and responsibility to him and be the helpmate. God is using this time with me to not only get my head in order, but my spirit & soul as well. I pray I am worthy of this man He is bringing to me. That I will be a blessing and joy to this man. I wait...........

Still Alive, Still Struggling

It has been quite some time since my last post. Some may or may not be wondering where I have been, what have I been doing, what is going on. I have been asking myself those same questions. Update - the divorce is final, I have been set free to wander the cosmos once again so to speak. Telling myself it is but a new chapter in this life I try to claim and call my own.

I have been reflecting this week on my life and where it has taken me this year. Many things have been shaken and changed. The church closing, friends leaving me at the mention of possible divorce, husband leaving me and divorce looming over me like a dark cloud, doubt, depression, anger, frustration, questions galore. Questions over my own responsibility in the failed marriage. Questions over why 2 failed marriages total. Questions for God like "Where were you in the midst of this?" "If this is what happens when you serve with all you have, why serve?" Don't freak out over the last question there, I am still serving Him, just not with fervency like before. I am a wounded warrior....wounded by some in the church, wounded by so called friends that bailed when it got rough in the boat, wounded by someone I had thought I would spend the rest of my days ministering with, wounded by the enemy and my own flesh as a means of not surrendering fully to God like my spirit man desires, & wounded by God Himself to bring His character into my being.

Many things, many changes, many questions still yet to occur and get answered. So I keep walking with God....don't know how to do anything else really. Walking and talking about the things, the changes, asking all the questions my heart and mind can muster. Walking and listening to His heart beat in rhythm with mine. Walking and listening for those pearls of wisdom that will makes sense of one crazy year. Walking and listening to His songs of healing that wash over my spirit tenderly cleaning my soul. No beloved reader I haven't given up, although I have been dealt some blows this year, my spirit still walks with the Lord. It is a difficult precarious walk...one over rough terrain of my broken heart & spirit....but a walk nonetheless.

What lies ahead of me? I am almost to afraid to ask Him that question for fear of what He might say...but yet another question. Will I ever learn to love like He does? I don't think I have loved like that or been really loved in return. Will I have another man in my life that will finally love me the way I desire to be loved and will I love the same way in return? Will I remain living in the home He brought me to? So many questions it makes my head reel....so I try to stop the whirlwind and keep walking.

Where the next chapter leads me I have no clue. What I do know that even though this has been a difficult time for me, even though I didn't feel His presence or hear His voice much, God was ever with me. Like I said my spirit knows no other way but to cling to Him even it is just a thread of His robe I cling to....I am clinging...I am alive....I am still struggling....I am still HIS.

Steadfast Love

I have been pondering the steadfast love of God. So the best place to begin is always the beginning. According to Websters steadfast means 1)fixed or unchanging, steady. 2)firmly loyal or constant; unswerving. Steady means 1)firm in position or place; fixed. 2)direct & unfaltering; sure. 3)free from change, variation, or fluctuation; uniform. 4)not easily excited or upset. 5)unwavering, as in purpose; steadfast. 6)reliable; dependable. 7)temperate; sober.

Kind of sounds just like God doesn't it? God is love. He is unchanging, steady, firmly loyal and constant; unswerving, direct, unfaltering, sure; free from change, variation, or fluctuation. He is reliable, dependable, temperate and sober. Kind of gives you insight into who He is and what He is about. To love like He does seems impossible, but if we let go and let Him have His way it will be as easy as breathing. Yeah I want love like that in my life not only from God but from a significant other. I also want to be able to love others with that type of love....unconditionally, unswerving, dependable, unfaltering....His love isn't based on performance like man's love....it isn't conditional but a free gift to all who receive it.

Steadfast Love of God

I was in church about a week ago. Pastor Tim had preached out of Psalm 32:7-8 but I had read the remaining verses of the Psalm. One thing caught my eye...verse 10 "Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord." My heart skipped a beat when I saw "steadfast love". I have been married 2 times and I don't believe what I experienced in either marriage was "steadfast love". Since then I have been in and out of God's word....when I am in it seems where ever I am reading I am reading "steadfast love" in the scripture(s) for the day.

"What does love look like?" is a song sung by Misty Edwards out of the International House of Prayer. You can check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2ZCIp0HiRo. Between this song and the "steadfast love" that I can't escape from in the scripture has me pondering and seeking. I believe steadfast love was what compelled Christ to fulfill prophecy...to leave His home in heaven, to become flesh, to have all the weight of sin from that time to eternity placed upon Him, to be the propitiation...the sacrifice for my sin. So I am on a slight detour....what does love look like? what is steadfast love...THE steadfast of God look like and what are the benefits of obtaining such in one's life.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in the Amplified reads "Love endures long & is patient & kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited(arrogant an inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong). It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything & everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fade-less under all circumstances, & it endures everything (without weakening). Love never fails (never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end)." In light of this, I can honestly say I did not love like I should have. The world has put it's own justifiable twist to something so simple, so complete. Love to the world is conditional, but to God it just is...it is an absolute truth that cannot be twisted or changed. Love like God just is....can't be explained, bought, sold or traded....it just is.

A dear friend, mentor, mom, confidant gave a good word today in church....she spoke about being Callified. How God calls us and it is our choice whether we answer that call...whether we rise up to meet the challenge of that call. One of the conditions of rising up to meet the challenge of the call was/is truth. To live, breathe and operate in truth....not the world's synthetic version of the truth where it changes like folks change their underwear...where it changes at a whim....but God's absolute truth. Not unlike 1 Corinthians 13:4-8...God's absolute truth about love. So here is the truth folks....I have been living a country song. I have been looking for love in all the wrong places. We all crave and desire to be loved, but this world's version of it will just leave us empty and longing. So I am on a quest...no need to pack my bags or take vacation time....a quest of seeking out God's steadfast love. What does it look like? Already have a glimpse or two...Jesus and God's absolute word. How can I make it a part of who I am?

My dear friend also mentioned that this season we are in is a preparation time. This Esther is rising up for a time such as this. A preparation time of love for the next chapter of this book of life I try to call my own. A preparation time of love that will be so like His pure love to be poured out like a drink offering over those around me....so hold on dear ones that are in my inner circle for the shower of love so fresh & new. But also a preparation time of love for that one special person that God is simultaneously preparing for me. Hope springs eternal once again in my heart....thought I had lost it along this journey along with love and a few other things. I will post what I discover about steadfast love. But I challenge any and all readers today...start your own quest and then let me know what you discover.

Still struggling, still seeking, still alive.

Wow last post was in April and I am sure some are wondering where did she go? Is she OK? How is her walk with the Lord? I am alive, still struggling and still seeking God and His glorious face in the midst of all that I am going through. I have found that by His grace & provision I am able to stay in the home He brought me too...Thank You Father.

I am learning more about me in this transition period....I have learned that sometimes I don't mind living alone with now 3 dogs; one died last weekend =(; but sometimes it really stinketh muchly living alone. I know, I know I am not entirely alone, but in the natural I am the only fleshly person here and the walls seem to creep in on my at times. I am working on many issues in my life with God. Some days it seems to be going well, other days it is silence either on my end or His. But I am hanging in there and trying to remain in His presence.

The divorce papers were finally filed by my spouse. I didn't think he would ever get around to filing but he has. So the end of this chapter of my life is in sight. When the papers were served, kind of embarrassing to have a sheriff show up on your doorstep to serve papers...but he was nice and helped me joke my way through signing for them....but it was done. I got inside with the papers and just felt numb. No anger, no sadness just an "OK it's done" attitude. It's his birthday today and I am not sure if I should text him to wish him a happy birthday or not....today feels odd.

I went to church Thursday night and Prophet Bob was in town. Always a great time in the Lord when Bob is in town. I had been feeling for awhile that I am supposed to write a journal or perhaps a book about what I am going through...but then was wondering if it was my "pizza" brain telling me to do this. God spoke through Bob that I was going to write....Bob wasn't sure if it was poetry, prose, a journal, a diary, or a book, but Bob saw me writing. Who knows perhaps what God was showing Bob was me posting again here...I don't know. So here it is, I started this a bit before 6 a.m. I am writing again pouring out my heart and spirit for the world to read. Don't know how often I will be posting, but I have this and a pen and paper on stand by. Ready to write whatever God drops in my spirit or my own junk. I hope you continue to get something out of what I put here....not for my own glory but for God's glory and good in your life. Hugs and blessings dear reader. Until next post.

Remain Faithful to the End

Remain faithful to the end was a word the Lord spoke to me back in October when I was questioning whether my little church was closing. Who knew back then what all He was calling me to be faithful to when He spoke this. On this side of the knowing, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Since getting that word my little church had closed and I remained faithful to the ministry until it was finished. I was asked to tithe an extra month after we quit having services, to which I was faithful to do. Did it make sense? Oh no, to my analytical bean counting mind it surely didn't, but I remained obedient.

Now I have been called to yet another "be faithful to the end" moment. I am facing divorce, which is something I don't want. I desire reconcilliation, but my desire isn't the same as my spouse. Am I angry? Oh yes very much so. Do I feel like I have been taken advantage of? Oh yes, very much so. But inspite of that, I keep hear resounding in my spirit "be faithful until the end."

Does this mean the divorce is going to be a reality? I have no clue, it is all in the Master's hands...He is the Author & Finisher of my faith and only He knows this answer. My part, remain faithful to the end....whether it ends in 60 days or 30 years. Inspite of how I feel, I have to keep asking myself moment by moment WWJD...what would Jesus do, what would Jesus say....moment by moment it is a refining journey. A leg of the journey of letting go of my hurt, my disappointment, my rights to be right, my self defense....of letting go and letting God. Is it easy? Oh my no but then again yes. It isn't easy letting go of the control, especially when my life seems so out of control and beyond my grasp at the moment. But it is easy for when I let go I let God be God and let Him handle all the stress.

I know this post may be quite shocking to some of my friends; but God has called me to be transparent before the world. To my friends,I say keep me but especially my husband in prayer. Why more prayer for him? He is walking in rebellion, very much struggling and desperately in need of God right now even though he doesn't see that.

Yes I need God now and I have Him....He is with me through all of this and He keeps reminding me through His word, His people even through songs on the radio. I am pressing into God's presence during this time....seeking His glorious face, reading His word and allowing it to wash over me to heal me of my hurt & disappointment, I am praising Him with everything within me even though my heart is anything but celebratory.

Will He require me to be faithful to the end of more then this? My head and heart tell me that this very well could be the case. Faithful to what? Only He knows and He hasn't shown me yet what it is. Unlike us humans who require everything instant, God is very selective about what He wants done and in what time frame. So here I am, at Jesus' feet once again....broken, transparent & so much in love with Him that I am willing to die to whatever He calls me to.

I have to laugh a bit, because before this bit of being faithful was revealed to me I had told my new brothers & sisters in Christ that I was a "hard hat" zone right now. Before this and even in the midst of this God is requiring me to surrender my soul to Him. I am a hard hat zone not unlilke a construction site where hard hats are a must! I told my brothers & sisters in Christ that being close to me means they might get hit by something.....if it was good & God then I pray they allow it to change them into His image.....if it was something bad and from my flesh I apologize right now before it happens.

God has surrounded me with brothers & sisters who allow me to cry on their shoulders and to lean on. People to gird me up in support and prayer. Thank you each and everyone of you, my heart may be hurting right now, but it is also very full with the love and support I am receiving from each and everyone of you. Many hugs my dearest friends....I love each and everyone of you!

Sheep Shed

I have been seeking God as to where He desires for me to go...what body of believers He desires me to become a part of. I think I have found just the place. The Sheep Shed. I have heard a good friend & prophet say that God was showing up in a mighty way in the little home bible studies that people are having throughout this nation. That is how the Sheep Shed started, a couple friends of mine started a small intimate bible study in their home on Thursday nights....word got out (friends telling friends) and well it got bigger then my friend's living room. So out back was an old sheep shed, a small cozy barn that was/is being converted into a small meeting place for believers to come together to worship and share what God is revealing to us in His word....but not just on Thursdays but some Sundays as well.

My first visit God was surely there waiting for me. It seemed like the whole service was tailor made around me and for me. Oh what a feeling to step into a room of praying, praising and worshipping believers; God's presence and synergy of faith in the room was tangible and awesome to my spirit.

I am excited to sit with these wonderful friends, to learn, heal, love and grow where God has planted me. To take what I learn and put it here or to directly speak with people about what I have and am learning at the feet of Jesus once again. It was a scary bit wandering and wondering where I belonged....it is that way for folks in the world too. But when you find where you truly belong, when you find that place where God desires to plant you, that special garden of believers oh there is no feeling like it in this world.

I pray that those who are wandering today will open their hearts and find Jesus. He is alive...He resurrected out of the tomb and ascended to the Father today...Easter Sunday, Resurrection Sunday. Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven making intercession for ALL today....the lost and saved alike. Jesus sent us the Holy Spirit to indwell each and everyone who desires that indwelling. Our Lord, Savior and Friend is a gentleman...He won't force anyone, we get to choose. I pray those wandering in the spirit will find refuge in my beloved Jesus...for He is a strong tower of refuge and abiding in Him you can weather any storm...trust me my life is quite stormy these days, but there is such peace when I abide in His presence. Many hugs beloveds, many blessings. I am off to dry my hair and finish getting ready to join my beloved sisters & brothers at the Sheep Shed. Hugs

Post Script - God truly amazes me!!! Just got back from the Sheep Shed and again service tailor made around me. This morning I posted the above then I was going over this blog a bit and I read the one I posted last Easter and how Pastor Q preached about the napkin....go read it for yourself. Pastor Tim this morning spoke about this same thing about how the kerchief (some translations read napkin) that was placed over Jesus' head was folded and laying by itself. How awesome of God to remind me that HE is the Author & Finisher of my faith and how HE isn't done with me yet, but also how this morning I was pondering that paper napkin still folded in my Bible as a constant reminder that I am not finished yet. It was a blessing to Brother Tim to hear about my paper napkin. They prayed over my new start with the Lord because that is what Resurrection Day is partly about a new start....mankind got a new start the day of the Crucifixion and Resurrection...new life in relationship with God. How lovely and amazing He truly is. Take a moment and ask the Lord to forgive you of your sins, He surely will then enjoy this first day of your new life in the Lord.

Seeking God/Finding Me

I have been busy...busy seeking God's presence and comfort. Sadly my little church closed over a month ago and it didn't close in a nice way. Many hurts came from it, but in retrospect I can only say to God be the glory in it all.

I have learned a few things about life and people in the midst of all this chaos. But most importantly I have learned oh so much more about me....things I don't like, but am willing for God to touch & change! About a month before my little church closed I was having what I call a God moment at work. Yep, snot slinging and tongue speaking prayerful God moment. It is like the Holy Spirit showed up full force in my office and I flat out didn't care what anyone thought. Then He started speaking to me about a couple of things in my life....the presence of God was so thick in my office all I could do was weep. What should happen next, but a co-worker came in to drop off paperwork and saw the whole thing. He was nice and asked if I was OK....to which I replied tearfully I was fine, just having a God moment.

I was weepy off and on for several hours which made working quite interesting indeed. At lunch time I went to go heat up my lunch...still in a God moment and weepy. My co-worker asked again if I was OK....to which I replied this time, "This is what crucifixion looks like." Oh little did I know then that this was exactly what was happening to me. Then came the church closing, the lies slinging and the deep hurts that were caused. God's word is true folks....He works everything for the good of those who love Him and are called to HIS purposes. Out of the midst of all this pain and sorrow came the rebirth of an old friendship. Oh we remained friends but we weren't close or speaking due to some outstanding issues that kept us apart. But I reunited with this dear spirit and friend. We drank coffee, we cried, we prayed in the midst of a restaurant in town.

At the end of our get together, she handed me a book...."Exquisite Agony" by Gene Edwards. I had borrowed and read this many years ago and my dear friend said the Lord put it on her heart to give me her copy to read once again. For those that haven't read this book it deals with hurts sustained by fellow Christians. How God uses our brothers & sisters in Christ to "crucify" us as a means of putting on the cross those things that are not pleasing to Him. I know mind blowing isn't it!!! Here a month prior I tell a friend that what I was going through was crucifixion and wasn't totally aware that all that transpired after that was totally that!

So here I am, behind in my "Daily Walk" reading as I have been quite busy in His presence. Allowing the Holy Spirit to shine His light within me exposing negative mindsets, attitudes, & emotions that are not God's best but my soul's result. And I have picked up a book that was being taught right before the church closed...."The Unsurrendered Soul" by Liberty Savard. I have always only gone so far into God's presence and couldn't understand what was causing me to stop short of fully getting into His presence....this book is shedding more of His glorious light within me showing me what the hindrance has been....my soul isn't surrendered to Him fully. So again, more time reading, praying & seeking His glorious presence, love and healing.

So here I am once again...a hard hat zone. Allowing the Holy Spirit access to tear down strongholds that I have built within me and allowing Him to reconstruct me into the woman He created me to be. I call it a hard hat zone because like most construction sites you might get hit by flying debris...so caution close friends. Being with me might cause some of what is going on within me to hit you. Some of it might be good as it will cause change in you as well...some of it might be junk and flat out ugly. For that I apologize right now for....death is not pretty and death to self (flesh) isn't easy, but with God's grace it is obtainable. Many hugs, many prayers, many blessings!

Resurrection Morning

I am an early riser by nature it seems. I never was one to sleep in to noon. This morning when I rolled over in bed at 6:50 a.m. I had a song in my heart and on my lips....Alleluia He is Risen, Alleluia He is here! A song I heard & sang on my Emmaus walk. For those who don't know what that is...well all I can say is it is a weekend encounter with Christ. For those who know DeColores, He is Risen indeed.

I know I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, it is because I have been busy. Not so much with earthly things such as work...that has been busy enough, thank You Jesus for the answers to prayer there. No beloveds I have been busy, pondering Christ's work on the cross in preparation of this Resurrection Morning.

This world got so independent from God....like little ones starting to realize they can do things on their own, we adults got bullheaded and independent from God. We decided that we knew ourselves better then the One that created us. The propensity to sin entered in with Adam, but we can't blame Adam for our own CHOICES. Boy that word has been ringing loudly to me for the past 2-3 years now....it is what I call the secret of life....CHOICE. Back to my train of thought, because of our own choices we got further and further away from God. God created us so He could have fellowship with us, not just so we could take care of everything He created, but to have fellowship with Him. But we allowed our choices to crowd out His voice, to take over time in His presence. Adam & Eve before the fall took time out in the cool of the evening to walk with God throughout the garden talking and getting to know one another better. Adam & Eve related to God in a personal way.

Today is a day many will come to church because it is Easter. But will they relate with what Christ accomplished on the cross. Back in the garden the first sacrifice was made for sin. Take a look at it in Genesis 3:21 "Also for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them." I did Beth Moore's God inspired study of the tabernacle, "A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place." Personally I thought it pertained to men as well and should have read A Child of God's heart, God's dwelling place, but I guess it was birthed during a women's conference and therefore got the distinction of a woman's heart....ah rabbit trailing again. Anyway it was an awesome study, but I got a chuckle from my friend who was leading the study. When she got to this scripture, she called me and asked about skinning an animal what happens to the animal. I was surprised, but also aware of her child like faith and honored she asked me the answer.

The answer was think about a dog or cat you love and have grown up with. Now think about pulling all it's skin off. You have pulled a hang nail before, it got deeper and deeper when you pulled and you bled. Well God had to mercifully dispatch (aka kill) the animal before He skinned it to make a covering for Adam & Eve. Here was the first blood sacrifice for the atonement of sin. Keep reading God's love letter & basic instructions, His Holy Word, the Bible. In Exodus/Leviticus He gives detailed instructions for the priests on what is required for a sin offering. The sacrifice of an animal and how the blood was to be sprinkled on the mercy seat and the horns of the altar.

Jesus is that sacrificial Lamb. Sin abounded in this world, but the grace & mercy of God abounded more. God sent His only Son, Jesus, to come into this world to teach the love and mercy of the Father. At the appointed time Jesus was broken & bruised for our iniquity (sin), He was hung on a cross like a common thief, He died upon that cross and was buried in a tomb for 3 days. On Resurrection Morning the stone was rolled away, not for Jesus to leave the tomb....He had already left, but for those coming to mourn Him could see He was no longer there.

It's Resurrection Morning....Jesus desires to resurrect your life from that of sin to one of grace. Grace isn't a gift from God....Grace is a gift of God. God is love, but He is also grace....so this gift isn't just something He gives, it is a part of Himself He graciously offers all of His children. Romans 5:17 "For if by the one man's (Adam's) offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ." Though sin may abound more and more in this world (take a look at the news) so much more God's grace is abounding, overcoming that sin.

We are walking in the end times beloveds...make no mistake about that. It was declared on the news the other day that the US is no longer a "christian" nation. We haven't been standing up and doing what God has desired, we haven't been the example of Him before the world. We like the first children, Adam & Eve, have decided to do our "own thing" because we foolishly believe we know ourselves better then the one who created us. Oh God let Your never ending grace cover us today, may we all walk in Your grace fully understanding the sacrifice of Your Son Jesus to make that grace available to each and everyone of us. May we arise and fully walk in your resurrection power today and everyday until the final trumpet blows, in Jesus' mighty name, amen and amen and amen. Let it be according to your word.

Take time out today to spend it with God. For those that have video stores open in their community, go rent the Passion of the Christ, directed by Mel Gibson. Get a box of tissues on the way home, if your heart is tender and open to God you will need them. Watch this movie with the understanding that if you were the only person on earth, that Jesus would have endured all of it just for YOU. This is a very graphic and at times bloody movie, but it gives you a glimpse of what Jesus endured for you. When you get done watching the movie honestly ask yourself if anyone in your circle of friends or family would be willing to do that for you....you will find that there isn't anyone but Jesus who was willing to endure all of that just for you.