Still struggling, still seeking, still alive.

Wow last post was in April and I am sure some are wondering where did she go? Is she OK? How is her walk with the Lord? I am alive, still struggling and still seeking God and His glorious face in the midst of all that I am going through. I have found that by His grace & provision I am able to stay in the home He brought me too...Thank You Father.

I am learning more about me in this transition period....I have learned that sometimes I don't mind living alone with now 3 dogs; one died last weekend =(; but sometimes it really stinketh muchly living alone. I know, I know I am not entirely alone, but in the natural I am the only fleshly person here and the walls seem to creep in on my at times. I am working on many issues in my life with God. Some days it seems to be going well, other days it is silence either on my end or His. But I am hanging in there and trying to remain in His presence.

The divorce papers were finally filed by my spouse. I didn't think he would ever get around to filing but he has. So the end of this chapter of my life is in sight. When the papers were served, kind of embarrassing to have a sheriff show up on your doorstep to serve papers...but he was nice and helped me joke my way through signing for them....but it was done. I got inside with the papers and just felt numb. No anger, no sadness just an "OK it's done" attitude. It's his birthday today and I am not sure if I should text him to wish him a happy birthday or not....today feels odd.

I went to church Thursday night and Prophet Bob was in town. Always a great time in the Lord when Bob is in town. I had been feeling for awhile that I am supposed to write a journal or perhaps a book about what I am going through...but then was wondering if it was my "pizza" brain telling me to do this. God spoke through Bob that I was going to write....Bob wasn't sure if it was poetry, prose, a journal, a diary, or a book, but Bob saw me writing. Who knows perhaps what God was showing Bob was me posting again here...I don't know. So here it is, I started this a bit before 6 a.m. I am writing again pouring out my heart and spirit for the world to read. Don't know how often I will be posting, but I have this and a pen and paper on stand by. Ready to write whatever God drops in my spirit or my own junk. I hope you continue to get something out of what I put here....not for my own glory but for God's glory and good in your life. Hugs and blessings dear reader. Until next post.

Seeking God/Finding Me

I have been busy...busy seeking God's presence and comfort. Sadly my little church closed over a month ago and it didn't close in a nice way. Many hurts came from it, but in retrospect I can only say to God be the glory in it all.

I have learned a few things about life and people in the midst of all this chaos. But most importantly I have learned oh so much more about me....things I don't like, but am willing for God to touch & change! About a month before my little church closed I was having what I call a God moment at work. Yep, snot slinging and tongue speaking prayerful God moment. It is like the Holy Spirit showed up full force in my office and I flat out didn't care what anyone thought. Then He started speaking to me about a couple of things in my life....the presence of God was so thick in my office all I could do was weep. What should happen next, but a co-worker came in to drop off paperwork and saw the whole thing. He was nice and asked if I was OK....to which I replied tearfully I was fine, just having a God moment.

I was weepy off and on for several hours which made working quite interesting indeed. At lunch time I went to go heat up my lunch...still in a God moment and weepy. My co-worker asked again if I was OK....to which I replied this time, "This is what crucifixion looks like." Oh little did I know then that this was exactly what was happening to me. Then came the church closing, the lies slinging and the deep hurts that were caused. God's word is true folks....He works everything for the good of those who love Him and are called to HIS purposes. Out of the midst of all this pain and sorrow came the rebirth of an old friendship. Oh we remained friends but we weren't close or speaking due to some outstanding issues that kept us apart. But I reunited with this dear spirit and friend. We drank coffee, we cried, we prayed in the midst of a restaurant in town.

At the end of our get together, she handed me a book...."Exquisite Agony" by Gene Edwards. I had borrowed and read this many years ago and my dear friend said the Lord put it on her heart to give me her copy to read once again. For those that haven't read this book it deals with hurts sustained by fellow Christians. How God uses our brothers & sisters in Christ to "crucify" us as a means of putting on the cross those things that are not pleasing to Him. I know mind blowing isn't it!!! Here a month prior I tell a friend that what I was going through was crucifixion and wasn't totally aware that all that transpired after that was totally that!

So here I am, behind in my "Daily Walk" reading as I have been quite busy in His presence. Allowing the Holy Spirit to shine His light within me exposing negative mindsets, attitudes, & emotions that are not God's best but my soul's result. And I have picked up a book that was being taught right before the church closed...."The Unsurrendered Soul" by Liberty Savard. I have always only gone so far into God's presence and couldn't understand what was causing me to stop short of fully getting into His presence....this book is shedding more of His glorious light within me showing me what the hindrance has been....my soul isn't surrendered to Him fully. So again, more time reading, praying & seeking His glorious presence, love and healing.

So here I am once again...a hard hat zone. Allowing the Holy Spirit access to tear down strongholds that I have built within me and allowing Him to reconstruct me into the woman He created me to be. I call it a hard hat zone because like most construction sites you might get hit by flying debris...so caution close friends. Being with me might cause some of what is going on within me to hit you. Some of it might be good as it will cause change in you as well...some of it might be junk and flat out ugly. For that I apologize right now for....death is not pretty and death to self (flesh) isn't easy, but with God's grace it is obtainable. Many hugs, many prayers, many blessings!