Still Alive, Still Struggling

It has been quite some time since my last post. Some may or may not be wondering where I have been, what have I been doing, what is going on. I have been asking myself those same questions. Update - the divorce is final, I have been set free to wander the cosmos once again so to speak. Telling myself it is but a new chapter in this life I try to claim and call my own.

I have been reflecting this week on my life and where it has taken me this year. Many things have been shaken and changed. The church closing, friends leaving me at the mention of possible divorce, husband leaving me and divorce looming over me like a dark cloud, doubt, depression, anger, frustration, questions galore. Questions over my own responsibility in the failed marriage. Questions over why 2 failed marriages total. Questions for God like "Where were you in the midst of this?" "If this is what happens when you serve with all you have, why serve?" Don't freak out over the last question there, I am still serving Him, just not with fervency like before. I am a wounded warrior....wounded by some in the church, wounded by so called friends that bailed when it got rough in the boat, wounded by someone I had thought I would spend the rest of my days ministering with, wounded by the enemy and my own flesh as a means of not surrendering fully to God like my spirit man desires, & wounded by God Himself to bring His character into my being.

Many things, many changes, many questions still yet to occur and get answered. So I keep walking with God....don't know how to do anything else really. Walking and talking about the things, the changes, asking all the questions my heart and mind can muster. Walking and listening to His heart beat in rhythm with mine. Walking and listening for those pearls of wisdom that will makes sense of one crazy year. Walking and listening to His songs of healing that wash over my spirit tenderly cleaning my soul. No beloved reader I haven't given up, although I have been dealt some blows this year, my spirit still walks with the Lord. It is a difficult precarious walk...one over rough terrain of my broken heart & spirit....but a walk nonetheless.

What lies ahead of me? I am almost to afraid to ask Him that question for fear of what He might say...but yet another question. Will I ever learn to love like He does? I don't think I have loved like that or been really loved in return. Will I have another man in my life that will finally love me the way I desire to be loved and will I love the same way in return? Will I remain living in the home He brought me to? So many questions it makes my head reel....so I try to stop the whirlwind and keep walking.

Where the next chapter leads me I have no clue. What I do know that even though this has been a difficult time for me, even though I didn't feel His presence or hear His voice much, God was ever with me. Like I said my spirit knows no other way but to cling to Him even it is just a thread of His robe I cling to....I am clinging...I am alive....I am still struggling....I am still HIS.