Still struggling, still seeking, still alive.

Wow last post was in April and I am sure some are wondering where did she go? Is she OK? How is her walk with the Lord? I am alive, still struggling and still seeking God and His glorious face in the midst of all that I am going through. I have found that by His grace & provision I am able to stay in the home He brought me too...Thank You Father.

I am learning more about me in this transition period....I have learned that sometimes I don't mind living alone with now 3 dogs; one died last weekend =(; but sometimes it really stinketh muchly living alone. I know, I know I am not entirely alone, but in the natural I am the only fleshly person here and the walls seem to creep in on my at times. I am working on many issues in my life with God. Some days it seems to be going well, other days it is silence either on my end or His. But I am hanging in there and trying to remain in His presence.

The divorce papers were finally filed by my spouse. I didn't think he would ever get around to filing but he has. So the end of this chapter of my life is in sight. When the papers were served, kind of embarrassing to have a sheriff show up on your doorstep to serve papers...but he was nice and helped me joke my way through signing for them....but it was done. I got inside with the papers and just felt numb. No anger, no sadness just an "OK it's done" attitude. It's his birthday today and I am not sure if I should text him to wish him a happy birthday or not....today feels odd.

I went to church Thursday night and Prophet Bob was in town. Always a great time in the Lord when Bob is in town. I had been feeling for awhile that I am supposed to write a journal or perhaps a book about what I am going through...but then was wondering if it was my "pizza" brain telling me to do this. God spoke through Bob that I was going to write....Bob wasn't sure if it was poetry, prose, a journal, a diary, or a book, but Bob saw me writing. Who knows perhaps what God was showing Bob was me posting again here...I don't know. So here it is, I started this a bit before 6 a.m. I am writing again pouring out my heart and spirit for the world to read. Don't know how often I will be posting, but I have this and a pen and paper on stand by. Ready to write whatever God drops in my spirit or my own junk. I hope you continue to get something out of what I put here....not for my own glory but for God's glory and good in your life. Hugs and blessings dear reader. Until next post.

Remain Faithful to the End

Remain faithful to the end was a word the Lord spoke to me back in October when I was questioning whether my little church was closing. Who knew back then what all He was calling me to be faithful to when He spoke this. On this side of the knowing, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Since getting that word my little church had closed and I remained faithful to the ministry until it was finished. I was asked to tithe an extra month after we quit having services, to which I was faithful to do. Did it make sense? Oh no, to my analytical bean counting mind it surely didn't, but I remained obedient.

Now I have been called to yet another "be faithful to the end" moment. I am facing divorce, which is something I don't want. I desire reconcilliation, but my desire isn't the same as my spouse. Am I angry? Oh yes very much so. Do I feel like I have been taken advantage of? Oh yes, very much so. But inspite of that, I keep hear resounding in my spirit "be faithful until the end."

Does this mean the divorce is going to be a reality? I have no clue, it is all in the Master's hands...He is the Author & Finisher of my faith and only He knows this answer. My part, remain faithful to the end....whether it ends in 60 days or 30 years. Inspite of how I feel, I have to keep asking myself moment by moment WWJD...what would Jesus do, what would Jesus say....moment by moment it is a refining journey. A leg of the journey of letting go of my hurt, my disappointment, my rights to be right, my self defense....of letting go and letting God. Is it easy? Oh my no but then again yes. It isn't easy letting go of the control, especially when my life seems so out of control and beyond my grasp at the moment. But it is easy for when I let go I let God be God and let Him handle all the stress.

I know this post may be quite shocking to some of my friends; but God has called me to be transparent before the world. To my friends,I say keep me but especially my husband in prayer. Why more prayer for him? He is walking in rebellion, very much struggling and desperately in need of God right now even though he doesn't see that.

Yes I need God now and I have Him....He is with me through all of this and He keeps reminding me through His word, His people even through songs on the radio. I am pressing into God's presence during this time....seeking His glorious face, reading His word and allowing it to wash over me to heal me of my hurt & disappointment, I am praising Him with everything within me even though my heart is anything but celebratory.

Will He require me to be faithful to the end of more then this? My head and heart tell me that this very well could be the case. Faithful to what? Only He knows and He hasn't shown me yet what it is. Unlike us humans who require everything instant, God is very selective about what He wants done and in what time frame. So here I am, at Jesus' feet once again....broken, transparent & so much in love with Him that I am willing to die to whatever He calls me to.

I have to laugh a bit, because before this bit of being faithful was revealed to me I had told my new brothers & sisters in Christ that I was a "hard hat" zone right now. Before this and even in the midst of this God is requiring me to surrender my soul to Him. I am a hard hat zone not unlilke a construction site where hard hats are a must! I told my brothers & sisters in Christ that being close to me means they might get hit by something.....if it was good & God then I pray they allow it to change them into His image.....if it was something bad and from my flesh I apologize right now before it happens.

God has surrounded me with brothers & sisters who allow me to cry on their shoulders and to lean on. People to gird me up in support and prayer. Thank you each and everyone of you, my heart may be hurting right now, but it is also very full with the love and support I am receiving from each and everyone of you. Many hugs my dearest friends....I love each and everyone of you!