From Hurt to Healing

It has been over a month since my last post. God has been working in my life taking me from hurt to healing. It is a slow process that has had many tears but then tender moments of joy at His feet. God doesn't desire I should be alone, He wants me to be alone for a season. Something this social butterfly is struggling with....I don't deal well with being alone....something I have learned over this past year. Yes beloved friends it has been a year since the announcement of divorce was made....it was a shock to me when the Lord reminded me of it this morning.

I had/have such a weight of loneliness upon me....it is almost like a smothering cloak upon my heart. I have done nothing but weep for the past 3 days. I did have company yesterday, but even though it was nice to have someone to talk to the emptiness and loneliness was still there and got increasingly large and heavier as the day went on. But this morning the Lord took me, thanks to my new Pastor, to Genesis 50:20...this is the passage where Joseph is talking to his brothers "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." God reminded me that several in my life last year said and did things to mean harm to me and my walk with Him. But God meant to use all of that for good. We are called according to Matthew 5:13 to be the salt of the earth. One thing salt does is it add flavors, but it is also used to preserve. I was put here on earth to preach the Gospel, to pray for the preservation of those around me...I am salt....a bit sharp to the taste but given so live could be given.

God then used Pastor to take us to James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Some translations have the word patience in lieu of steadfastness. Tests and trials of life are given by the Father to test our attitude. When that cloak came upon me all I could do is weep and cry out to God. I had already made plans to spend Saturday with a friend and tried to fill that emptiness in my heart with the friend...but it wasn't the right fit. So I spent last night crying out to God about this loneliness and how I don't want to be alone. God spoke to me in church this morning that He wants me alone so I will rely solely upon Him...and that is a good thing, but my flesh doesn't quite see it this way.

God wants me to be patient in the waiting, but I so desire and crave human companionship and love. I guess that is why this cloak of loneliness seems so heavy. In God's reality it is a light weight shirt of sorts, but to my flesh and it's longing it is a heavy laden blanket. I am trying to be patient, to wait for the one that God has set aside for me, but it is so lonely in the waiting. I am trying to not jump for the first one that shows me love and affection for it can very well be a false love. Am prayerful that this season won't last any longer then necessary. In the meantime, I wait. Some days I can be quite patient....other days not so. Today is a not so day.....but I wait. In the midst of the waiting and loneliness God is healing me. Showing me His hands in all that I have endured for the past year. Taking my garments of mourning and slowly converting them to garments of praise. Taking my moments of sorrow and weeping and turning them into joy. It is a hard long journey and some days I feel like I can endure anything for the love of my Lord, but other days it is weary and dreary....but still I wait a bit longer for all of this because ultimately it is for the preservation of someone else. This picture is much bigger then just me and I need to remember that in this leg of the journey.

Don't Pay the Ransom

Ok I know the title of this one is a bit odd, but I couldn't help thinking of my dad. When he hasn't called or written in a long time, he will usually start a phone conversation or a short note in a card with "Don't pay the ransom!" I haven't blogged in goodness gracious MONTHS! I am sure some of my blog friends are wondering is she in hiding again or did she fall off the face of the earth. Nope am ok as ok can be. Props to my Dad, if you are by the grace of God actually using a computer and reading this, I love you Pops and will call soon.

Yes, I guess I have been hiding of sorts. Hiding in the shadow of the wings of God Almighty. Sitting here getting healed up and re-commissioned to do the next leg of this journey. I am reading 2 book simultaneously right now....Loving Your Life by Victoria Osteen & A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado. I am getting the impression I may or may not have the love of my life in the natural in my life right away, but then again only God knows for sure. I believe God is calling me to embrace my life such as it is right now. I am putting my hope in His hands for a mate, but learning to be content with my 4 legged roomies for now...even if my sweet Lovie snores worse then a band saw and when they get in the bed with me I am stuck with them bogarting the covers!

I also am getting the impression that God is giving me something I have desired all my life, but not in the way I think He should give it. God is giving me the love of a lifetime....Himself rather then the earthly man I think He should give me. Isn't it interesting how we think we know better then God, but in reality we don't know jack! God is giving me something I haven't been able to give others fully....Love. I don't think I have truly loved or been loved, so this is something new and wonderful to discover about my Father, my Lord, my Beloved Bridegroom King....His awesome love.

Every where I turn it is love, love, love. The steadfast love of God that I posted on here a few months (ok an eternity) ago. I hear it being preached from the pulpit at church. Why even Valentines' Day didn't totally stink this year. Monday's are typically rather brutal at work, but it was quite the opposite....God granted me a day of bliss at work. No one negative, I seemed to have accomplished quite a bit in spite of all the work that seemed to keep piling up on my desk. When I got home there were little trinkets of His affection in my mailbox. My federal tax check came in....earlier then anticipated. My sticker for my car registration came in earlier then the BMV had said it would....I know, what do they really know huh? LOL There was a package from Day Spring...a necklace I had bought for myself for Valentines' Day, but truth be known I think Jesus picked it out. A heart inscribed with "I am my Beloved's & He is mine." Yeah just like Jesus huh? But the icing on the cake of the day was a card from Thy Word Network. A local radio station I made a donation to at least 1-1/2 to 2 years ago. Seems I was chosen by the staff as a person they were keeping in prayer for the week....now I wonder who nominated me! Like I really needed to wonder.

God opened up the windows of Heaven and blew down kisses just for me. I felt and still feel like the most blessed gal in the world. My Father loves me, just like I am sure my Pops loves me too. Isn't it wonderful to know that the ransom was paid in full on that horrible yet glorious day at Calvary. So if anyone asks....don't pay the ransom, my Jesus already did!

Are Things in Order

My birthday is vastly approaching as well as the Christmas Holiday. It has me reflecting over this past year of my life. Today I went to the First Assembly of God and Pastor Turner was preaching still from The Beginning...the book of Genesis Chapters 2 & 3...he didn't quite get as far with his sermon so it was more of Chapter 2 then 3.

He was talking about man's role in the garden. In verse 15 it says God took the man and put him in the garden to tend and keep it. Note that it was man that God put there, no mention of woman as she wasn't even created yet. God has a specific order for creation and for life. Man was put in the garden to tend (to set it in order) and to keep it (to maintain and to protect it). Man was charged with the responsibility of the garden; we find that in verse 16. We can correlate that to life today. Man was and still is charged with the responsibility to set into order, to maintain and to protect his garden....his home...his life. Now man isn't supposed to set things into order according to his own desires and demand, but according to God's will, desires and commands. Big difference there.

In verse 18 God decided that man should have a helper comparable to him. Man was incomplete without someone to complement him in fulfilling the task of filling, multiplying and taking dominion over the earth. So in verse 21-22 God did just that. He took a rib from Adam's side and created woman. She was created to come along side of Adam to help him. Not taken from Adam's head to where she ruled over Adam and not taken from Adam's foot where he ruled over her. A co-heir, a co-worker, a co-mpanion.

Verse 24 we see that they became one flesh. They were in unity of parts making a whole...working smoothly and perfectly together as one. There wasn't a battle of the sexes...there wasn't any competition.

I have been reflecting off and on of where things were out of order in my marriages and where I failed to be in "order" according to God's creation. Marriage #1 I see my ex wasn't in order according to God's word. He ruled over me and I became his servant rather then his helper the way I was created to be. It was out of balance and destined to fail. Marriage #2 I see my ex also wasn't in order according to God's word. He left all responsibility on my shoulders to do everything...and me being the self preservation/control freak I allowed it to go that way for a season too long. I had seen how things weren't in the proper order and I was trying to make course corrections but ex #2 wasn't willing to take dominion nor responsibility as he needed to.

God is showing me my place so to speak in a "godly" marriage. Right now everything is falling upon my shoulders for a season. How long it will last only God knows that answer. My task for the moment is to trust God to provide like a husband should. Yes, I am still doing the dishes, cleaning etc all by myself. But there is coming a day when God will bring me the man He has set aside for me alone. This man will rise up in Godly authority and allow me to be the helpmate I was created to be. I will be submissive and surrender all authority and responsibility to him and be the helpmate. God is using this time with me to not only get my head in order, but my spirit & soul as well. I pray I am worthy of this man He is bringing to me. That I will be a blessing and joy to this man. I wait...........

Identity Theft

Well I am without a church again it seems. Ah well, to wander, to visit, to seek God and where He wants me again for how ever long. Sheep Shed has decided not to do Sunday services, so it is church hopping again....but this time it is with a different attitude of heart. Instead of a sorrowful wounded heart it is with a joyful and expecting heart I seek again. Pastors Clark have been called to higher things, they weren't necessarily called to have regular Sunday services. So it is with a joyful heart I pray them through this season & ministry God has them in. Love you Clarks!!!!

I visited a church not far from my home this past Sunday. Was wonderful to be in the house of God worshipping with hungry people. God's presence was so thick and warm and wonderful. I believe there was an open heaven above the place and God was poised and ready to do miracles if anyone had the faith to ask. Yeppers, I prayed blessings and such for that body of believers and am looking forward to hearing about the miracles God and I spoke about...nope like wishing on a star, I am not gonna tell!

Pastor spoke about our purpose on earth....what we were created to do back in the garden, but also here and now. It got me to thinking about what has had happened to me and where God is taking me. Seems my identity was stolen, or rather obscured by the wounds inflicted upon me by people, the enemy and me beating myself upside the head with that rattin frattin condemnation brick. You know the one we all pick up when we make a mistake and beat ourselves senseless with. But I also realized that some of the "wounds" I have sustained aren't really wounds but rather where surgery was performed by the Master Potter's hands. He has lovingly stripped (although it may not feel like it) away things and people that have been a hinderance to me becoming who I was created to be....but also hinderances to our relationship.

I am learning how to love me and Him more. I have discovered that I indeed haven't really loved or been loved like Christ loves me. I have had 2 marriages, but haven't really been loved like I so desire and deserve. So I have been making it a daily habit of thanking the Lord for one more day to try to get things right; to try to be His hands & feet; to be His ambassador; for His love and devotion of which I am SO not worthy of; and also for His hand of protection over the man He is grooming just for me. Yes there is hope in my heart to finally love and be loved again....hope springs eternal is what my granny used to say. Never fully understood it until now. Yes the holidays and my birthday are VASTLY approaching at a rate that makes one's head spin. Whether I am alone or with anyone for these celebrations is yet to be determined...but one thing is for certain...whether with anyone or alone God will be right there. Loving me, protecting me, providing for me and adoring me.

Father I am thankful for this stripping away the mistaken identity that I had. I am thankful for the surgery you have and are still yet performing on me. I am thankful for the bits of my soul that have been transformed and have surrendered. I am thankful that no matter how much I turn away or want to run I can never escape You...that You are not going to let me go no matter how "bad" I think I have been. I thank You that my identity is secure in You...the real Bert....not this fake, phoney, plastic one the world and those in it have fashioned for me. I love You Lord and am Your humble servant, friend & bride to be.

How Like God!

~I just clicked "post" on my last posting. I took 2 minutes to check my private email and saw the latest TGIF (Today God Is First) Devotional. Yeah I subscribed and they send me nuggets of wisdom daily. Well if you read the previous post then you will understand why I just copied and pasted this one. How like God to give a nugget when you need one the most....gives us such hope and encouragement....enjoy and I pray it speaks to someone else's heart today like it did mine.~

Confrontation With God
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman
Tuesday, October 05 2010

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:3b
"God, is this the way You treat someone who is faithful to You?" I yelled out loud on the top of the wooded hill where no one but God could hear me. "I have waited and waited and now this! I hate You, God! I have had enough!" Those were my words that day as I wrestled with news of an event that devastated me to the point where I broke down weeping.

As I sat there among the trees deciding what else I could say to God, I was speechless. I was angry. I was confused. I wondered if He even existed. If He did, I felt like He really didn't honor my faith and obedience. I sat for hours wrestling internally with my feelings.

Finally, without answers and sensing that God wasn't answering me, I turned to leave. I had been sitting on an old oak tree that was broken at the base. The tree pointed toward the base of another huge oak tree. Finally, a still quiet voice inside said, "Today, like this broken oak tree you are sitting on, you are a broken man. But this brokenness was needed in order for you to become this large oak tree you see."

Months and even years had passed with many struggles. But God was true to His word from that day. He began to replace the pain and disappointment with an inner joy that only His grace could provide.

Have you ever wrestled with the events of life, feeling that God has deserted you? Have you been honest with God? He is the kind of Father who is willing to have those difficult conversations. He won't always change things, but His purposes will be accomplished and peace will come if you trust. Trust Him this day with those things that are most difficult.

~Looks like I am not the only one who is brutally honest with God. How many times these past few months I asked that same question "God is this how you treat someone who is faithful to You?" God is already aware of the things in my heart and He seems to honor my honesty even though it may break His beautiful heart to hear my brutal honesty. To read that I am not alone in asking such brutal questions of Him makes my soul relax a bit...that it is ok to be that blunt and honest with God. Have a good talk with God today...tell Him all the stuff that is on your heart....the good, the bad, and what might seem ugly and not suitable to tell the King of kings. Nothing makes the heart lighter then being able to share even the darkest nastiest parts of our heart with a good friend who won't judge you but love you through it all. That is my God, my Lord, my Savior, my Friend...loving me inspite of the darkeness of my heart.~

Still Alive, Still Struggling

It has been quite some time since my last post. Some may or may not be wondering where I have been, what have I been doing, what is going on. I have been asking myself those same questions. Update - the divorce is final, I have been set free to wander the cosmos once again so to speak. Telling myself it is but a new chapter in this life I try to claim and call my own.

I have been reflecting this week on my life and where it has taken me this year. Many things have been shaken and changed. The church closing, friends leaving me at the mention of possible divorce, husband leaving me and divorce looming over me like a dark cloud, doubt, depression, anger, frustration, questions galore. Questions over my own responsibility in the failed marriage. Questions over why 2 failed marriages total. Questions for God like "Where were you in the midst of this?" "If this is what happens when you serve with all you have, why serve?" Don't freak out over the last question there, I am still serving Him, just not with fervency like before. I am a wounded warrior....wounded by some in the church, wounded by so called friends that bailed when it got rough in the boat, wounded by someone I had thought I would spend the rest of my days ministering with, wounded by the enemy and my own flesh as a means of not surrendering fully to God like my spirit man desires, & wounded by God Himself to bring His character into my being.

Many things, many changes, many questions still yet to occur and get answered. So I keep walking with God....don't know how to do anything else really. Walking and talking about the things, the changes, asking all the questions my heart and mind can muster. Walking and listening to His heart beat in rhythm with mine. Walking and listening for those pearls of wisdom that will makes sense of one crazy year. Walking and listening to His songs of healing that wash over my spirit tenderly cleaning my soul. No beloved reader I haven't given up, although I have been dealt some blows this year, my spirit still walks with the Lord. It is a difficult precarious walk...one over rough terrain of my broken heart & spirit....but a walk nonetheless.

What lies ahead of me? I am almost to afraid to ask Him that question for fear of what He might say...but yet another question. Will I ever learn to love like He does? I don't think I have loved like that or been really loved in return. Will I have another man in my life that will finally love me the way I desire to be loved and will I love the same way in return? Will I remain living in the home He brought me to? So many questions it makes my head reel....so I try to stop the whirlwind and keep walking.

Where the next chapter leads me I have no clue. What I do know that even though this has been a difficult time for me, even though I didn't feel His presence or hear His voice much, God was ever with me. Like I said my spirit knows no other way but to cling to Him even it is just a thread of His robe I cling to....I am clinging...I am alive....I am still struggling....I am still HIS.

Steadfast Love

I have been pondering the steadfast love of God. So the best place to begin is always the beginning. According to Websters steadfast means 1)fixed or unchanging, steady. 2)firmly loyal or constant; unswerving. Steady means 1)firm in position or place; fixed. 2)direct & unfaltering; sure. 3)free from change, variation, or fluctuation; uniform. 4)not easily excited or upset. 5)unwavering, as in purpose; steadfast. 6)reliable; dependable. 7)temperate; sober.

Kind of sounds just like God doesn't it? God is love. He is unchanging, steady, firmly loyal and constant; unswerving, direct, unfaltering, sure; free from change, variation, or fluctuation. He is reliable, dependable, temperate and sober. Kind of gives you insight into who He is and what He is about. To love like He does seems impossible, but if we let go and let Him have His way it will be as easy as breathing. Yeah I want love like that in my life not only from God but from a significant other. I also want to be able to love others with that type of love....unconditionally, unswerving, dependable, unfaltering....His love isn't based on performance like man's love....it isn't conditional but a free gift to all who receive it.