What are you afraid of?

Today I am pondering, pensive and thinking. I have been told I over analyze things....yes perhaps so. When things or situations come into my life I look at them like one would look at a Rubik's cube. I turn it this way and that, I study it before I make the next move as I don't want the next move to be a wasted move that will cost me ground. This morning the Lord is speaking to my heart, "What are you afraid of?" It is all I can do to keep from crying.

What am I afraid of? Well other then the obvious to my friends...spiders & snakes...can't stand them, the list seems endless within me. I am afraid of truly being alone even though I know HE is with me, I am afraid of being alone in the natural. I don't like living alone, I don't like eating alone and I certainly don't want to die alone.

I am afraid of failure. My life seems a "Magoo" life. Mr. Magoo was a cartoon character I used to watch as a kid. He was an old bald man with very poor vision and he had to wear thick glasses. He never really saw where he was going, he bumbled along through life. But somehow when he stepped off into the unknown there was always a steel beam to catch him....kind of makes me think of how God is in my life....He is that steel beam I seem to step out on when I do muster up the courage to step out. But I am afraid of failure....why? Well I have no clues....still trying to Rubik cube puzzle that one out. I guess it comes from this drive within me to do things right the first time....or perhaps my drive to please others and not let anyone down as I have been let down so much myself. I don't know. Perhaps it is a trust issue. I don't trust myself to do things and trust it will work out....perhaps just the basic trusting of God & His work within me to sustain me through whatever obstacle.

I fear if I allow myself to love others, I fear I will either hurt them or get hurt myself. Hurting others is a big one for me. I know what it feels like to have one's heart ripped out by the carelessness of a friend or loved one....so I guess this is what keeps me from loving like I should.

The fear I really don't know how to truly love or that I will truly be loved. I wonder sometimes in the course of my 2 marriages...did I really love them? I mean truly love them or did I just love the idea of being married? Will I ever be truly loved not for anything I can do or give someone but truly be loved? I know in my head God loves me, but have I truly allowed that to filter to my heart to where I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God TRULY loves me? Have I allowed God's love to permeate my very being?

Then in today's email I get this nugget of wisdom....no it is not written by me and I don't take any credit for it.....

Stoplight Faith
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2 by Os Hillman
Wednesday, August 18 2010

"And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith" (Matt 13:58).

You can learn a lot about people in traffic. For instance, I observe a lot when I see 20 cars in one line and only 3 cars in another. The reason for the longer line is these people want to make sure they get to make their turn after the light. I, on the other hand, want to get through the light first, then I will worry about making the next turn. This is a difference in risk taking tolerance, or perhaps faith; or even some might argue with me that I'm operating out of presumption versus real faith.

No matter which person you might be in this situation, it is sure that faith is often spelled R.I.S.K. When the priests carried the ark into the Jordan River at flood stage there was a risk they could lose the ark to the Jordan River. However, that is not what happened. "And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the LORD, the Lord of all the earth set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap" (Josh 3:13). God changed the entire environment and made it possible to walk across without the pressure of wading through the powerful water only when they took the first step.

Risk means there is a potential for loss. However, when God leads us to take a risk, then He is there whether we succeed or fail. He is there in the success and He is there in the failure. If He leads you to take a risk it may not always succeed in the way you think. In fact, it could even fail.

The only true failure is when we fail to take the risk when God is leading us to do so. Sometimes the fear of failure is the greater obstacle than the risk itself.

Has God called you to step out in an area that requires risk? This could be the place He wants you to move. Ask Jesus to give you the courage to step out.

So now another few questions exist....am I afraid of so many things because of the risk required to step out in faith and just step out?? What am I afraid of losing if I step out and do what God is calling me to do or to give Him? Is hanging onto whatever it is I have a death grip on really worth holding onto? Will this soul of mine ever get surrendered to the point where these questions will just die?

So many questions & so much confusion. Perhaps my friend is right....I do over analyze things. Perhaps the best course of action for me is to go back to step one and just "be".